I am so sorry to have worried everybody! I'm also very touched that you were.
I have just been unbelievably, out of my mind crazy busy. And, I HATE IT!
Work - I love my job, but it has been almost a 24/7 thing lately, and I still don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at it even after putting in all that time. My desk looks like a tornado blew through. I have papers thrown on the floor. My email inbox is a catastrophe. Oh, where is that darn fairy godmother anyway?
DD - She is no longer going to visit her dad every weekend. She told him that she just didn't want to go there any more. He threatened to have me thrown in jail for the whole thing, which over course he can't do because she's 16 and can decide for herself. He also threatened to not pay child support any longer, the measly $100/mo that he pays, but there's nothing he can do about that either because it's taken directly out of his paycheck. Anyway, I'm glad that she's no longer going there. I have been a taxi-driver for her lately going to all of her different activities, one class at one campus twice a week, two classes at another campus three days a week, two bands, private music lessons, weekly therapy sessions. And, she's now told me that she doesn't want to get her license because she has such a great chauffeur. GREAT!
Actually, I'd probably be a nervous wreck if she were driving so it's probably better this way for now.
I haven't heard a peep from R's crazy family for almost a month. HURRAY! The only one that I have had any contact with is his Colorado brother. I talked with him on the phone Monday night for about an hour and just bawled. I've been feeling tremendous guilt for R being alone when he died. Had I known that his whole stupid family was going to leave the hospital, I would have stayed. I just left because they were all there and had told the doctors and nurses not to tell me anything any longer. Early yesterday morning, I received a "message" of sorts from R. I don't know what you really call those things. I never believed in them before, but now it keeps happening. And, no, I'm not losing my mind....I'm OK, really! So, the message was this...."It's alright. You were there as long as you needed to be. After you left, I wasn't even there anyway, only my body was. I wasn't conscious of anything so I didn't know I was alone. It is not your fault that you weren't there. You went above and beyond. You did everything in your power for me, and I know that you truly loved me." I finally have the peace from the guilty-feelings that I have been carrying around with me, and it's good.
I still have many moments when I'll just be going along and tears will flow down my cheeks, but I'm getting much better. Laughing a lot more and remembering the good and the bad (oh the bad - YIKES!) times that we shared. Just plugging through each and every emotion as it comes along because I know that the only way to truly heal from this is to go through it rather than try to stuff it all and hope it goes away.
Finances - Well, that area of my life stinks. I am paying the rent and the bills and getting food, but I have no idea how I am doing that and I do not know how much longer I can keep it up. I don't want to have to move from this house, but I honestly do not know how we're going to be able to stay here. Don't know how we would move either since you need a security deposit and I have no extra money to save for that. I'm too tired and busy to think about it clearly most days which might be a blessing in disguise. For now, we're staying put.
I'm sure I've left out something, but rest assured, I am alright. I'll try to post more often. Hoping and praying that I can get some sort of balance and control of the overwhelming demands of the job so that I can maintain my sanity.
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