Thanks Diana and Bless its just nice to let go of the feeling that it is somehow my fault she does not do the things "normal" mums do. It has always been a difficult relationship, but has got worse since I had DS. Or maybe I let comments/actions go in relation to me but I am more defensive of DS. I already feel so much more positive, but also sad that the main thing I need to do is let go of the hope that she will change. Luckily I have a fantastic husband, son,brother, extended family, friends, inlaws and all of my cyber friends for support

Karen, I sympathise, as I led a guilt riddled relationship with my mother. I was fortunate in that not long after I married, we were separated most of the time by the "Pond", but even 3000 miles didn't change that fact that I could sometimes come off the phone feeling awful, and visits were often a matter of "walking on eggshells". DH was also affected by her difficult personality and I believe that the distance we were separated from her, preserved my marriage!

It took me over 50 years to realise that she was just an unhappy, negative woman, and that nothing I could do would please her, so I had to accept that. Like you I wrestled with my need to change myself in the situation.

Sadly she had dementia for her last 10 years. The relationship really changed from my point of view as she was no longer a threat, poor soul. The last time I ever saw her, I spent a week over there visiting her every day in the care home, helping her in small ways, and this brought me peace afterwards when she died a month later.

I've no advice, only some understanding of the anguish of this relationship you are struggling with. ((((((( HUGS ))))))

Bushlady - thank you so much it is amazing how mothers can impact their adult children isn't it? I am thinking of moving away, but I am torn as all my friends are here. However I know that if I move even a mile or so away it will be too much of an effort for her to visit me. The trouble now is I am in walking distance from her home.I am glad you found some peace before your mother passed.

My DH is also affected by my DM, but he has zero tolerance for her nonsense and will challenge her which can be pretty amusing at times. She was telling him the other month how she is the reason both me and my brother went to university to which my husband replied "How is that possible when she moved out 2 years before she went and was working six nights a week to fund her studies, and as for Dave you kicked him out at 16 so don't see how you can take credit for that" She changed the subject after that

Progress has already been made in that she has only visited once this week so far and has only rang three times. It has been every other day visiting and phone calls every day for a long time so this is a definite improvement. I feel guilty still in typing that as its my mother I am talking about, but the other half of me knows I need to do this for my sanity

Good to hear that there has been some progress regarding the visits. It is a pity that your DM needs to do this, rather than make a life of her own. She sounds like an unhappy woman.

Sorry Karen and Bushlady for not having a good relationship with your mom's.

I, on the other hand was so blessed with my mother, I can't understand what it is like to not have the "connection" I had.

Laura (my neighbor) hasn't seen her mother in years, and has no desire to. Last year her brother died suddenly, she had to call her mother about the arrangements. The woman never called her back and Laura missed the funeral.

When I tell people I lost my mother, I also say "I lost my best friend too." We had no secrets, there was nothing I couldn't go to her with. Even when she was so sick at the end, we still could laugh together.

That was my situation also Waterlady with my mom. She was a special person, and although we didn't always agree on things, I spoke with her at least once a day . I miss her terribly, but know she is in a better place.

Karen, you have a positive attitude, and can rise above it all.
She obviously lives in her own world, and some of it isn't true. Good for DH in sticking up for you....

Bushlady:
Making amends before your mom passed, was good for you and her also. Glad you could do that.

Thanks Waterlady and Diana I envy you your close relationships with your mums and I am so sad that they are no longer there for you. Poor Laura too missing her brothers funeral due to her mum. Like Bushlady says my mum is a very unhappy woman and I do feel for her, but not enough to let her keep taking her unhappiness out on me. DH would love to say more but he bites his tongue ALOT

Sadly whenever I have dropped my guard and confided in her she has either blabbed to others and caused trouble for me that way, or used it in some way to hurt me usually by throwing my mistakes back in my face. I have learnt to take what she says with a pinch of salt and to be careful what I tell her about anything. It helps that my brother and the rest of the family know what she is like so they don't take much notice of her now either. It must be very frustrating for her at the moment as noone is playing the game and taking the bait lol

I did get a phone call this afternoon, but it was not for long as my friend was visiting me. It was a normal chat with DM so no problems arose. It seems when I distance myself she does make more of an effort to be nice. What would normally happen then is I would either confide in her or see more of her and then she would fall back into her old ways. So I will be walking the tightrope to get the best out of the relationship for the time being.

Wishing you strength in your relationship. It has to be difficult. (((((((HUGS))))))))).

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Am so happy! I went to a local "guy store" and used a gift card to purchase a large table for my new craft room! Only cost me $11!! It is in the car, and DS2 will come later to remove it for me and keep it in the garage for when they work in the craft room. I am so excited. It means I can leave my sewing machine out, and not have to put it away all the time. I am so glad I decided to undo one of the guest bedrooms. I still have another one, so should I have company there is no problem.

Karen, not an easy situation, glad you are gaining persective.

Diana wooohooo! I can only dream of having a whole room just for my crafts!! And about the couch cover, I looked for one in stores but my couch is longer, lower, has a bunch of small cushions for my back... it's not like most, couldn't find anything or had to alter it... decided to make my own.

For the past two days I’ve been painting at my best friend’s house, we repainted her living and dining room as well as the small downstairs bathroom. Not done, need a third coat of paint for the lightest color (she didn’t want to prime so now it needs a 3rd coat!) Let’s say I had enough exercise for now, I hurt all over!

Progress...

HEALTH
Get blood test done before September
Gym 2 times a week
Walk 2 times a week

ME TIME
Continue with reading more (at least a half hour each night)
HOME
Got a few projects I've been wanting to get to but feel a bit discouraged. I've decided to concentrate on one area at a time, and will be joining the room of the month thread to help me focus and break it down into baby steps.
This month I'll work on the living room as some of last month's goals have been pushed aside. It's also the first room I walk into, hoping to get so motivation for the rest of the projects around the apartment!
*
Sew a sofa cover
Buy or paint a painting
Wash window
Finish going through magazines (in progress, going through 10 a day)
Ask ex DBF if he wants his rug back and get rid of it one way or the other(he does, it’s all rolled up and waiting for pick up)

Karen, that sounds like quite a balancing act with your DM! But it certainly seems that when you respect yourself in the relationship, she sees your boundaries.

Diana, Happy for you that your plans for your craft room are moving along, and that you found a great table.