The past few days have been rough, but I'm still hanging in there. R is doing his best to persuade me to change my mind, but I'm standing strong (even though it is very hard). We had a very eye-opening conversation last night with DD. It's very long, but here it is:
Monday night, I had a lengthy talk with R in which he told me what was said at his counseling session. (He started counseling Monday afternoon.) I listened and when he was finished talking I said to him it sounded as if he was blowing smoke up the counselor's behind because he was minimizing what he had been doing. He also told me that the counselor said to him that he thought going away on our trip and getting away from here for a while would be good for us. R said that he agreed and would like for me to think about it and give him my answer Tuesday. I think he made it up or the counselor did say that because he didn't know all the facts.

Last night, R asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. I told him no I didn't want to go anywhere with him. He asked me about my decision on the trip. I told him no. He wanted to know why because it would be good for "us", we needed to get away. I replied that if this were just about us, then it might be different, but I had someone else to think about too, and that was DD. He wanted to know what he had done to her that was so bad. I replied that she was afraid of him. He wanted to hear it from her, and I decided that it was a good thing to bring her into the conversation.

So, we all talked together. He got a piece of paper so that he could write down what she said and take that to his counseling session today. First, he asked her what he had done and/or said that was hurtful and made her afraid of him. She gave him a whole list of things which covered the entire front side of the paper and from my memory there could have been a lot more. Then, he turned the paper over and asked her "what are the good things I have done for you?" She replied, "Bought me things" and "Took me to Disneyland." He said, "OK, what else?" She thought and thought and then said, "That's all I can come up with." What an eye-opener to see it in writing! A whole list on the bad side and only two things on the good (and they both revolved around "buying" love).

He went on to say, "So you see I have done good things for you. And, here we have the bad and put up one hand in a fist showing no fingers as if to count for "zero" and here we have the good and put up his other hand showing his hand open all fingers showing as if to count as "5". My DD very politely, actually with compassion as if she felt sorry for him, she said to him, "Are you kidding? Did you even look at the paper that you just wrote on? I think you'd better look at it again." I could not believe it. He still did NOT get it even after writing it all down and seeing it in black and white, he thought the good outweighed the bad. What should have been an big eye-opener for him, wasn't.

Final question from R to DD, "Do you think your mom would be better off without me?" DD's reply, "Financially - no. Emotionally - yes." R to DD, "So do you want me to leave?" DD - "Yes".

Then, on to me, "Do you want me to leave?" My reply - "Especially after this conversation. Yes."


Gosh - I just HATE this! I don't want it to be like this. But, it is! I know I'm doing the right thing, but I still HATE it!

So now we wait for him to move so that we can begin healing and move on with our lives. I will begin the task of making our new house a safe haven and cozy home for my DD and I once he is gone. Something that I've done before (unfortunately).

It will be hard to make it here financially because I moved into this place banking on getting married and having a combined income with him and now I must do it on my own. He will not be giving me any money for this month's expenses or rent and it is the end of summer which is a time I don't get paid. My savings went for things for our wedding which are non-refundable. I suppose that I could sell the dress on Ebay to make a little bit for that, and possibly sell his ring too. Right now, my plan is to borrow enough from DD from the money she made this summer to pay the August rent and pay her back when I recieve my first paycheck on August 10th. She is fine with it. She is also fine with having to cut back on things again if it will mean a peaceful life. We'll make it!

My first goal is to make a list of what my goals need to be to start putting the pieces of my life back in place.

And, already this morning we've taken care of getting DD updated on her immunizations and got the oil changed in the car. Now, I'm off to take DD to her job at music camp...

Carol your daughter should be an inspiration to you. She found the courage to tell R exactly what he did wrong and for a 16yr old to do that is amazing. Please continue to be strong and don't put her back into that situation or yourself.

You have seen first hand how he is not taking seriously how his actions impact on others. To sit there and say after all your DD said that he did more good things than bad is incredible. SO glad your DD put him straight.

I know its difficult now even though you are doing the right thing but in a few months it will be so much easier. Like you said your DD is happy to cut back and help out in order for you both to have peace. My prayers are with you and DD.

Good for both of you Carol! I am very proud of your DD and YOU!
R needs to get out fast and stop trying to change your mind.
He has done the anger control counseling before, obviously it doesn't work. Prayers for you and DD. Be safe and get him out of there....

Carol - I'll add hugs. I agree with what everyone else said. Your DD is wise beyond her years which in this case is a blessing.

Carol, sad situation, wonderful, thoughtful DD. I know you will find a way to push through these worries. We're all cheering for you.

Thank you to all! Yes, my DD is quite a gem indeed.

Apparently, R has been spouting his mouth off with falsehoods about DD and I. This afternoon, I received a message via my facebook account from R's 19-year old daughter. It was the nastiest, ugliest, meanest message that I have ever received in my entire life. I had already previously de-friended R and all of his relatives several days ago, not realizing that they could still send me a message without being on my friends list. I have since gone in and totally blocked them and they no longer have access to me at all and can't send me any more messages.

Unfortunately, she had also sent one to my DD as well. It was so ugly and spiteful and full of venom. DD wrote back to her because she wanted to set the record straight and she also wanted to stand up for herself and then she too blocked the entire family from her facebook account as well.

My DD and I have never done a single thing to his daughter other than accept her and love her, nor said anything bad to her, so being accused of such horrid things was appalling. I made baby blankets for her out-of-wedlock baby that was born last September to her specifications and then she never used them. My own daugher went without so that his daughter could have things that she didn't even need (ie, a brand new laptop and an expensive phone). I was so mad and sick that I nearly vomited. If there was ever even the slightest chance that I was going to change my mind and give her father one final chance, it vanished the minute I read her hate-filled message, because I know that he is the one who filled her with not only the hatred, but also the lies that spewed from her fingertips as she typed those messages. I truly wanted to reply, but I did not as it would be of no use whatsoever, so I just printed her messages in case I need them, and then blocked her.

Carol, I'm sorry hear about all the trouble you continue to have. But your DD is definitely a wonderful, strong young lady!

Glad you printed them out and blocked the sickos. Did you expect anything different from the DD if her father is like that?
Whew, what a blessing in disguise you received! TYG!
Hang in there Carol and DD!

I agree ~ a blessing in disguise...

I inadvertently got another goal completed yesterday ~ I dropped the flap to a lid down btwn my counter and the DW so we pulled it out and cleaned under and behind it.

Thank you ladies!

Yes, this is a wonderful blessing in disguise. DD and I were rescued just in the nick of time. Oh my - what could have happened if I would have married him I can only imagine.

DD and I have bags packed and loaded in the trunk of my car in case we have to leave in a hurry. He is still in the house and I pray that he will leave very soon, the sooner, the better. Any prayers for DD and I are greatly appreciated. Most specifically for our mental and physical safety and that he be moved out of the house by this Saturday. No particular reason for that date other than I want it to be SOON! Thanks so much for your support, kindness and prayers!