The past few days have been rough, but I'm still hanging in there. R is doing his best to persuade me to change my mind, but I'm standing strong (even though it is very hard). We had a very eye-opening conversation last night with DD. It's very long, but here it is:
Monday night, I had a lengthy talk with R in which he told me what was said at his counseling session. (He started counseling Monday afternoon.) I listened and when he was finished talking I said to him it sounded as if he was blowing smoke up the counselor's behind because he was minimizing what he had been doing. He also told me that the counselor said to him that he thought going away on our trip and getting away from here for a while would be good for us. R said that he agreed and would like for me to think about it and give him my answer Tuesday. I think he made it up or the counselor did say that because he didn't know all the facts.
Last night, R asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. I told him no I didn't want to go anywhere with him. He asked me about my decision on the trip. I told him no. He wanted to know why because it would be good for "us", we needed to get away. I replied that if this were just about us, then it might be different, but I had someone else to think about too, and that was DD. He wanted to know what he had done to her that was so bad. I replied that she was afraid of him. He wanted to hear it from her, and I decided that it was a good thing to bring her into the conversation.
So, we all talked together. He got a piece of paper so that he could write down what she said and take that to his counseling session today. First, he asked her what he had done and/or said that was hurtful and made her afraid of him. She gave him a whole list of things which covered the entire front side of the paper and from my memory there could have been a lot more. Then, he turned the paper over and asked her "what are the good things I have done for you?" She replied, "Bought me things" and "Took me to Disneyland." He said, "OK, what else?" She thought and thought and then said, "That's all I can come up with." What an eye-opener to see it in writing! A whole list on the bad side and only two things on the good (and they both revolved around "buying" love).
He went on to say, "So you see I have done good things for you. And, here we have the bad and put up one hand in a fist showing no fingers as if to count for "zero" and here we have the good and put up his other hand showing his hand open all fingers showing as if to count as "5". My DD very politely, actually with compassion as if she felt sorry for him, she said to him, "Are you kidding? Did you even look at the paper that you just wrote on? I think you'd better look at it again." I could not believe it. He still did NOT get it even after writing it all down and seeing it in black and white, he thought the good outweighed the bad. What should have been an big eye-opener for him, wasn't.
Final question from R to DD, "Do you think your mom would be better off without me?" DD's reply, "Financially - no. Emotionally - yes." R to DD, "So do you want me to leave?" DD - "Yes".
Then, on to me, "Do you want me to leave?" My reply - "Especially after this conversation. Yes."
Gosh - I just HATE this! I don't want it to be like this. But, it is! I know I'm doing the right thing, but I still HATE it!
So now we wait for him to move so that we can begin healing and move on with our lives. I will begin the task of making our new house a safe haven and cozy home for my DD and I once he is gone. Something that I've done before (unfortunately).
It will be hard to make it here financially because I moved into this place banking on getting married and having a combined income with him and now I must do it on my own. He will not be giving me any money for this month's expenses or rent and it is the end of summer which is a time I don't get paid. My savings went for things for our wedding which are non-refundable. I suppose that I could sell the dress on Ebay to make a little bit for that, and possibly sell his ring too. Right now, my plan is to borrow enough from DD from the money she made this summer to pay the August rent and pay her back when I recieve my first paycheck on August 10th. She is fine with it. She is also fine with having to cut back on things again if it will mean a peaceful life. We'll make it!
My first goal is to make a list of what my goals need to be to start putting the pieces of my life back in place.
And, already this morning we've taken care of getting DD updated on her immunizations and got the oil changed in the car. Now, I'm off to take DD to her job at music camp...