Gabby--sorry to hear about the hard times you are experiencing.

Even though I made a very small income (had to quit my part-time job of 25 years a year ago due to chronic pain issues), I got 3 credit cards in my name as they asked about "household income", not my individual income. I also recently just made a phone call to increase my "credit limit" on my Southwest Visa to $35,000.00 as we wanted to purchase another car on this credit card in order to ensure I got enough points to name my husband to receive a Companion Pass so he flies free w/me on all trips for another year. We were planning to purchase a new car last year & this year when we did this, anyway, & just paid off the credit card bill the next month (car salesman paid the credit card fee).

As far as not doing parties or any other demands on you that you don't want to do or feel up to doing, my therapist told me: "NO is a complete sentence." You don't have to give explanations or excuses. I used to do that & the person would somehow figure out a way that I could still do what they wanted me to do (& what I didn't want to do) when I gave excuses or reasons. Even if I was taking a trip to the moon as an excuse, people could still figure out how I could babysit, do their errands, etc. But if I simply said: "NO, I'm sorry I can't do that" there is no more discussion. If the person persists, be a "broken record." Keep repeating: "NO."

As far as doing all the jobs while your husband sits back, I got into that trap by teaching myself to do lots of computer stuff so my husband would dump all sorts of computer jobs on me.

When my husband went through a major health scare a couple years ago & doc told him to "get his affairs in order", I realized how much I didn't know about our finances or how to do things around the house (how to change the furnace filters, turn off the main water if needed, who to call about "winterizing" the sprinkler system, etc.) so I started following my husband around w/a notebook to learn all this stuff & worked on "getting my independence."

You can research a lot on-line about divorce laws in your state before you hire an attorney & pay their costly fees (my daughter & son-in-law are lawyers so I know their fees are very high!!).

It is important to see what you can do to ensure insurance coverage (if it is through your husband's work & I'd go ahead & get all my yearly exams done NOW--dentist, pap smear, mammogram, physical, etc.) & also learn about his pension, 401K, etc. Keep track of all expenses if your state is one that allows alimony as that will be important for the judge to determine the amount of your alimony.

Squirreling away some money is a good idea, especially if your income is low.

Talk to some friends (if you know of any) who have gone through a divorce in your state to get advice.

All my best, Suzy

Suzy,
hey you are so right on the 'no' piece, we were talking about that the other night at the AlAnon meeting (no substance abuse in my family, but going for the co dependency aspect).

I do like at least internalizing those dialogues because it gives ME a better understanding of why it's okay, and helps me internally agree with my boundaries, if that makes sense.

I'm taking this approach, as the more my eyes are opened, the more I realize I need to simply find a good and affordable handyman.

The jeep we bought is under warranty, that was number one on my essential list. taking that out of his hands and just taking care of it myself.

point: the jeep has an antenna pokes up at an angle at the rear of the roof. Noticed when I pulled into the garage, or more specific, noticed when I pulled OUT again, the thing caught on the opened garage door just by 2" or so. not good, it's going to snap it off, particularly in the winter, and

so when my DDs friend's dad dropped her off to go with DD to cabin, I mentioned this to him (more to me to remind myself), but he pointed out there was still room on the tracts to have it lift the door still a bit more.

I mentioned it to DH before he left to NOT park the Jeep in the garage, and that'd I'd take care of it.

bet he'll forget about it, and that's okay, normally I'd just let that 'outdoor' thing be on his plate, but that's the stuff I'm really internally testing myself to just make sure I can DEAL with things on my own and be

more self reliant. regardless the outcome here, self reliance is a good thing.

Chef,
I went in to the AmExp application via Costco, online and it clearly asks for 'household income'. the paper app did not.

so I'm filing it out online, and it's hung up at present, but at least I know where to get it from.

I labored over adding DH, but it doesn't specify 'additional huser', just gives option for DH having one, and each of our purchases listed separately on the statements.

well, I am NOT looking to complicate my life for keeping track of more of his stuff. so I'm going to happily get card for me, and when we're out and about, I can just use it, or not, no biggie to me. tee hee

if he notices it, which I seriously doubt he'll notice any of these changes, he can do whatever he wants.

smile. okay crying a little, but trying to smile.

okay. will get card in 14 days if approved.

Gabby, years ago I looked into getting an AmEx card, and I didn't have enough income to qualify. I don't know if they have income requirements now or not.

Also, unless their practices have changed, an AmEx bill, unlike a regular card such as Visa, must be paid in full every month. I usually pay my Visa in full to avoid interest. But for AmEx, there is no choice, unless they now will accept partial payments. They never used to. Folks I know with AmEx cards have complained to me that they have to advance the money, pay the bill in full, and then get reimbursed by their company. For a business trip, that could be up to a couple thousand dollars or so, which creates cash-flow issues.

Be sure to check into all the details.

okay I will. for now, it's tied to our Costco membership, and if we do legally separate, I will not carry that.

other things that will have to change, our verizon family plan, etc.

thanks for your input.

The Costco Amex card works just like a credit card allowing you to pay minimums. I think my balance was about $5200 this month and only about $120 was the required payment. I pay it off every month so I'm not sure.

Gabby, unless you're actually divorced, you can leave stuff like the Verizon family plan as it is.

yes, Chef, I'm just thinking through the process, especially how to cut costs, it's always a good thing to be living where we want to be. I might cut out stuff, just simply because we have a car payment.

regarding verizon, funny, I work for an ace hardware store and through them, I get an 18% discount. DH corporate discount was only 8% so I've got the contract.

to me the Am Exp will be treated like my Visa charge, which is in Dh's name wiht me on as authroized user. we charge to get the reward (which goes onto our house payment), and pay off every month.

I did peek at the card site online, and noticed the differences.

all I'm trying to say is that if it comes down to bare bones living for awhile, I'd not keep up the costco membership. that's okay.

Hubby got home from cabin with daughter just a bit ago, safe travels. He loved how the Jeep traveled. all okay, but a bit jerked back to reality.

Had wonderful open lengthy talk with DS2 about his dad and our troubles as of late. He's so supportive of me. Not taking sides, it isn't at all about that. It's about so many other things. And I told him the timing really sucks them going into college and all.

I do think DH will be willing to go with whatever I set up, but for now am still working the program. working my mental health, working some independent steps.

thank you all, ladies.

G'Nite

On the non financial side, it can be lonely if DSs are at college and you are on your own. You need supportive friends who are not relatives [they will be very confused about your actions]. We often need a non-judgmental *sounding board* friend whose judgement/values we trust to listen to 'issue/decision of the day' or events at work. Personally, I wouldn't talk about any of your personal changes at work because it can come back to bite you. What programs are available in your community for newly separated/divorced?