Gabby, I feel for you. This must be a very painful time in your life. And I think I can understand up to a point. My parents separated, and eventually divorced a few years later. They remained reasonably good friends afterwards, and there was no infidelity or other glaring breaches of marriage or generally civilized behavior. Sometimes people grow apart. In their case, I think it was my father's job (the Foreign Service, which can strain even very solid marriages) and his commitment to that to a certain amount of neglect of the family, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. You may feel that ending the relationship is necessary, but I think you are wise to try a separation first. This is a huge step for both of you, one that will reverberate throughout your lives, and the lives of numerous others, most especially your children. During this period, you can consider seriously, "Will I/we be better off alone, or together?" There are undoubtedly pros and cons to each. I personally am very sorry to see marriages end, and sometimes a trial separation in the long run, if the couple gets back together, can make the relationship stronger than it was. We will all be rooting for your best interests, and I will be praying for you.

simplicitly,
sent you a PM

chefsam,

you too!

Got it, just was swamped yesterday. :-)

Gabby: Happy you have a high score and hope you will complete and submit the Costco AMEX application as it is critical that women establish their own banking and credit identity. In the last century women were often unaware of important family financial data and could have bank accounts, credit cards, and more 'frozen' under several scenarios.

Family law establishes broad guidelines for distribution of assets which is not necessarily earnings based since there is value ascribed to non monetary contributions.

Gabby, I would also suggest a separate checking/savings account, something that you could funnel a few dollars here and there to, so you can take care of the credit card without a paper trail to him.

I am so sorry for the separation. I too had a husband who would let me do it all...mine was just a taker, and after many years of taking and no giving, I ate my sorrows and insecurities up to almost three hundred pounds. For me, the first step in taking my life back was getting my health back. The surgery I had for the weight loss was the first step for me in realizing I was the only one who would take care of me.....no matter who was in my life.

I started organizing things so a bit at a time info was separated. I got credit cards in my name only, etc.

Look at other cards you may have jointly that only you use. Do you need them, could they be reissued to just you, etc? You may find that when you start doing this review and reorganizing for you, that your husband may take a second look and step up to the plate. Reme,ber how hard this has been for you the past 2 years. I know how much you genuinely cared for your FIL. Also remember this was his dad. And many men I know, their way of dealing with situations like this is to shut down and hide from it....don't deal with it and it really doesn't exist. It's not pretty, not practical, and adds more stress to the other relationships in your life, but for many, that is the way they cope.

One thing I've done since day one was to manage the finances.

Interestingly enough I hired someone two months ago to do a financial review. Just today I met with him to go over the findings, and get his recommendation, he had just a few changes for us. But for the scope of this thread, for now, I'll focus on banking:

When I was organizing all the stuff for the initial consult a couple months ago, it forced me to get ultra organized, back into a binder. Pulling stuff out of filing cabinets and putting it into binder drove me batty, but now I'm glad I have it all that way.

Every bank account we have, at present, is in joint ownership.

We have one main checking, joint. All his pay goes into this checking account. It's our main money stream. Most of the budget comes out of here. Both of us have debit cards connected to this account.

Second checking account. Joint. My pay goes into this one.
I think of this account as for the kids discretionary expenses: music lessons, DD's swim team and ski team stuff, DS1's Parents Plus loan#1 I'm paying down interest that is due plus extra.

I also last year financed my vacation to fly out to LA to my high school performing arts reunion, last August, took DD and DH along.

****I don't think I can change ownership of a joint account without both knowing. So one thing I can do is to simply open a new single ownership account. Put my pay into it and spend this other one down. Until further along in this process, carry on as usual.

*****I'm going to just have to think about this AmEx.

and maybe do a bit of research in family law, about accumulating debt, and get my mind around what I might use it for, household things? and then writing checks, off the household budget, am I trying to cloak it? he won't know anyway, and if a lawyer gets involved (doubtful) I guess I don't really know what or how it's all supposed to flow around, when he makes 90% of the cash flow, know what I'm asking?

If it does come to a final parting of ways, odds are you will want a lawyer involved,esp since you have children.I did not think I needed one and still don't, many thousands of dollars in legal fees later. For me, the lawyer held my ex's toes to the fire, making him participate and cooperate.

Any debts you accumulate are joint as are assets, unless it can somehow be proved you were intentionally running up debt to leave it with the other party. Should things go all the way, I would suggest looking at the employment situation as well. If your husband is bringing in 90% of the income, what can you do to increase yours.

I have an acquaintance who just went through a divorce, thinking that since her ex made three fourths of the income, that she would get not only substanial child support, but also a nice amount in spousal support. She is getting both, but not anywhere near what she wanted. '

Gabby, this won't be easy. It is very emotional ....on top of everything else you have gone through recently. good luck with this, I am praying for you

So today I made a decision and some progress. This ambivalence is draining. I figure little steps in other areas can't but help me pay attention to better self care,

I started paying attention to the fact that I

DO NOT WANT TO GO OR BE APART OF THE MEMORIAL PICNIC for my FIL, namely, SIL will swoop into town and will bask in the party that I put together :-)

Been there, done that, I'm not falling for that one again. She was still asking for addresses last week! She drafted some invitation and had the wrong times, another couple mistakes I can't remember (and it doesn't really matter) and she was asking if I thought she ought to include a map.

This is all she has done since end of February. OMG OMG OMG.

She also wanted me to call the park to check on something.

hello. 1-800, and they are ONLINE too! This chick is something else, and I'm starting to see what I never looked at before!

What I wanted was some closer at around the time that Jim (my FIL) died the end of February, but instead they talked about a memorial picnic at a nearby State Park.

She can't organize herself out of a paperbag, really, and I really don't want to be around her, and I don't really want her in my home.

My DH has scheduled to take
tues - Friday June 28 - July 1 off of work, he wrote 'to the cabin' on the calendar. Saturday is the picnic. Maybe Friday will be a travel day who knows.

I found this retreat center about an hour and a half from where I live.
\
"....is a 40-acre farm with a large farmhouse, hermitages, garden, lake and woods. The peaceful and natural surroundings help you rediscover your own spirituality through a new kind of relatedness with the life-giving energy of mother earth."

so I booked arriving Friday mid day, staying over two nights leaving Sunday the 3rd of July. Oh, I scheduled a Saturday morning massage for myself.

staying in a little tiny hermitage, with a compostable toilet tee hee. organic food for meals

I better sneak in my chocolate!

and take my laptop for writing, but boo hoo no internet.

it worked out well, this is the first weekend it's available, so I'll have a polite excuse - just have to figure out how to word it,

hoping maybe ElizabethClark might pop on to give me some script.

DH and DD driving with two of her friends to the cabin for the weekend.

two years ago started it all, when I went to the cabin and Jim didn't recognize me...didn't realize then how fragile my marriage was, what a bomb was set loose with FIL being abandoned,

My boys are home this weekend here.

And I have DS2 graduation party to finish prepping for: going to concentrate on getting memory boards put together. Clean the hobby room first, maybe even tonight, and sleep with a well done reward!

Hmmm.... Let's see....

For the "Party"... "Oh, that weekend is my farm retreat. I feel that I've already had my time to say goodbye. I hope you'll all have a wonderful time together."

For the party details, "I'm afraid that won't be possible. I'm sure you can find it (do it, arrange it), though."

Wanting you to be middle man in party details: "I won't be able to do that. You should talk to DH directly. I'm sure you'll be able to work it out directly with him."

Passive-aggressive comments "wishing" you'd help: "Oh, SIL, you'll do fine; you're a spontaneous person, and the family knows that. You need to do it your way; it's important for this to be personal. I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine."

Increasing requests for your input, etc: "I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine, SIL... oops, gotta go! The cat's on fire!" (Or, something's boiling over on the stove, etc.)

Do it at your house? "I'm afraid that won't be possible." Why? "Because it just isn't possible right now; I'm not emotionally ready to have a large gathering, I'm sure you can understand. It just isn't possible for me to do it."

For questions about why you're not there: "I think the siblings need this time together; I hope they'll all find the weekend meaningful and healing."

When in doubt, Lather, Rinse, Repeat! Your retreat weekend sounds absolutely DIVINE!!

(Does that help at all?)

Organizing for major life shifts is HARD. I'm glad you were able to make a resolution about something that I'm sure has been a major emotional drain for you! It's been a long several years, with a multitude of major shifts. I know you'll be able to weather coming storms, but I'm sure hoping for fewer storms and increasing peace for you, my dear!

Regardless of the ultimate outcomes for the marriage part of things, being better organized and confident will be a boon going forward.

Oh, just realized: you have a grad party, which might be construed as a "large gathering"... so the wording on having it at your house might be better changed to: "I'm not emotionally ready to have this SORT of gathering, I'm sure you can understand..."