Mods, is it permissable to start a thread about planning out a separation? I'm trying to work in T, and all that, but am getting more and more in a puddle and scared of unknown. thinking at least if i plan out a backdrop I will be able to function better at present. My bottom line is to live my best person, and that means right now I NEED TO RAISE MY COMFORT LEVEL. win win if you ask me.

On the other hand, maybe i could tuck it into the FIXy thread? who knows, but either way just let me know.

Mods, simply delete this if need be. I'll understand.

Gabby, I'll let this Forum's mods make the decision. But, in the meantime, (((HUGS)))

thank you, Sweetie,
I figure it can't hurt to be more self-reliable, focusing on healing my soul, still inviting connection but noticing that stuff is broken, for now. Not trying to reach any conclusions.

One thing I need to immediately do is to get our Wills reviewed. Regardless of outcomes,

1. our stuff is out of date.
2. I need to find another POA, this has more to do with how I saw DH functioning with his dad's issues for the last year and a half.

Gabby, I'm fine with the topic. You have a goal or at least something you need to be ready for if it happens and you're getting organized for it. As long as we keep it focused on that, we should be good.

I commend you for realizing that your DH may not be the most appropriate person for your POA based on seeing his actions. Just being a spouse doesn't make someone the best person for something. Considering that the wills are out of date anyway, there's no need to make a big deal out of it, just go ahead and get it done.

You've been through a lot in your life and you've come out of it on the other side, I have no doubt that you can do whatever you need to. We will be here for you my friend.

thanks Chef,
yes. DH didn't act inappropriate at any time, but he didn't act. He didn't know what to do, and I had to Coach/Quarterback/Run the plays. I'm pretty good at research, and laying out a list of to-dos, he's good at carrying out tasks.

That's where I discovered those little stickum 'sign here' color arrows. OMG it's been exhausting.

I'm his Wife, not his paralegal.

One question to think about - did he not act because he knew you would? My DH pretty much does the same. He's reactive, rather than proactive and he knows that since I'm overly organized to the point of being obsessive he might as well let me handle things. I have no doubt that if he had to, he'd step up and get it done. That's what you have to decide.

Chef,
I think I know what you are asking, that's the most common question I'm asked, as a matter of fact. I need the focus to stay on organizing, but let me tell you this: I'm trying to work all angles. We are in marriage counseling. Some stuff came up and T decided to write a referral for some testing, which will begin late in June. Will my decision depend upon the outcome? I'm not sure. I've pushed for testing for quite awhile, because the stuff I 'can't put my finger on' has taken it's toll. On me. I'm not sure I Trust the testing process, if it's not taken seriously, I'll feel marginalized, not supported.

I think a few years ago, had I known what was 'under his hood' so to speak, and could have gotten better support for me, better support for the kids, it would have been better.

For now, I'm not sure I can pull this out of the dive it seems to be in. Regardless of staying or leaving, there are some things I need to do to put my mind at rest.

{{{{Hugs Gabby}}}} Hopefully you can take your time as you sort things out organizing thoughts, emotions and actions. It's important to learn and understand family law whether you decide to uncouple or not. I know it is extremely stressful to feel someone you have loved is no longer even a friend.

When changing a Will, add a 'Health Directive' or Living Will, there are several terms used for planning for unforeseen events.

yes, we have all of those, and I need to make changes whom I choose. Will add to my research to get State Law regarding separation...just to get my paperwork in a binder and organized resources.

I'm seeing our financial counselor tomorrow, it just happened to be the timing of a followup. And it helped me put together binders of stuff that I can now keep current.

I didn't say anything to him, Dh and I intended to do the followup together, but we couldn't match teh schedules for the three of us: DH just came home from a business trip to Germany and the planner is coaching baseball for his kids. all very busy time.

But, with FIL's estate, we really needed input, specifically with the kids off to college, and it seemed the time to force the issue with DH, I found this guy highly recommended by the tax lawyer we hired (okay, I hired) to do FIL's taxes, etc.

so that will be good to have a general idea, and then can get more specifics as I need them.

My first stab at this is to separate but within a shared space. I don't want either of us in poverty. DH makes 90% of the cashflow, I pull in only 10% and the lion share of that has gone to the kids extras...music lessons, sports, now paying college loans. etc.

When I was grocery shopping at Costcos today, I picked up an American Express credit card app.

Everything we own is jointly held, except one car that my H neglected to put me on the title of. I doubt it was intentional, he's not that way, just easier for us to do business with both on titles.

but I'm going to get one credit card in my name only. He doesn't get bills, he wont know it's here.

I did credit checks recently when we bought a car.

It was confirmed that we both had very high credit, mine was 6 points higher than his LOL