Liz, Suzy, I am thrilled to see your posts, and there are great tips and food for thought in all you share, thank you so much!

I will come back to comment and add to the thread later. I am committing myself to keeping myself on task - as much as I can, even though I can't resist checking GON as often as I need to get a boost of motivation!

TTYL

DH and I had a very small wedding, just our parents and siblings in my parents' living room with a justice of the peace. It cost all of $1200, and a good half of that was the photographer. I think if you're going to spend money on anything, it should be the pictures. We had cake and punch in the morning, and a barbecue that afternoon.

We sent announcements with a nice photo after that.

Part of the reason for that was we got married in Pennsylvania, but lived in Texas. All of our friends were in Texas. If we'd had a big wedding, it would have been my parents' friends, none of whom knew my husband. So we didn't see the point in spending all the money and going to all the trouble of doing a big wedding when our own friends couldn't be there.

My cousin facilitated the whole thing by having her huge, expensive wedding several thousand miles away on the very same day. The relatives went to her wedding and that let everyone off the hook...of course I can't let it go that she divorced the guy about 5 years later and here I am, still married...snide, I know. Sorry.

My mother told me it was the nicest wedding she'd ever been to. That was plenty good validation for me.

I like all the input that I am reading here, it gives a lot of food for thoughts.

Thank you Suzy, for bringing up ideas that I have to add somewhere to my own lists, like

• thank you notes
• the question of very young children
• photos
• appointments for hair, manicure, etc
• clothing

I could also add the gift baskets, or the party favors or memorabili.

Definitely, in my case and in my desires, a barmitzvah should have nothing to do with a wedding. I do understand what can be lying behind what has apparently become pervasive in America, and I should, maybe, not comment on that, for fear of offending anyone who prepares big affairs with formality and big budgets. I also don't want to deprive anyone who makes a business out of gigs to weddings and barmitzvah, either with music or with photographs! or with all the things that sell for those matters.

(However, it still makes me cringe at some of the waste when the majority (because it is still the majority) is struggling to make end meets, and some families would even put themselves in debt, and in bigger jeopardy for the future in order to do like the Jones do...-)

For my event, it is definitely going to be a small affair, I am sure you have understood it from my stances! I do not really mind young children, this is a usual disruption and they are welcome! however usually we have young teenagers who babysit at half time - services are really too long for younger children - and go play with them in the nursery classrooms.

I haven't invited anyone with very young children, but surely if I had, I would have made sure to have some youngsters be willing to act as babysitters and play in the playground, weather permitting, while the adults nosh after the service. I think that's a great point to take into consideration in any social event, as well as making sure that there are full access for wheelchairs to the bathrooms, and that if any handout is distributed to follow parts of the service, or sing along, it has to be printed in large enough characters for any visually impaired person. I also wonder if there could be ways to make a service enjoyable for anyone who is hard of hearing, at least acknowldge it so that they can feel included without being embarrassed.

Photos
Two of my close friends are also photographers, and we belong to the same congregation, so of course, both of them have offered me to take our pictures. I am not sure how I am going to handle the competition! (just joking). But I have never liked formal pictures. Even for my wedding I have never had any formal picture taken, and I have the most lovely picture books, with great photographs, all candid shots, taken by some of the friends who had offered to bring their camera. I paid for all prints and rolls (because I married in a time when digital cameras did not exist, yes). But I did not pay for their time, and they were guests, and not requested to take any particular shots.

Of course, I don't know if my friends here will be willing to do so. But at least, I will try and be as assertive as can be (maybe bring them my wedding albums, to show them what I mean, even if my marriage is not something they must see as a positive memory! I like those albums, and my children also like browsing them, because it has pictures of people we all love, and places that we cherish always).

What I don't like about the formal pictures is the formality of the picture: it reminds you of the event like "it was our wedding/party/event"... and not a particular moment of it like "it was the moment they threw rice at us/ it was the moment I started a speech and everyone laughed because I said the wrong thing", etc.

There again, I know I might be frowned at, but everyone here is telling me they want us to have something to remember, so they better hear me in my desire to go my way, and not theirs.

Amy, your wedding is the kind of wedding I can envision. I am also with you about weddings that don't last: having spent so much money on the "big day" has no protection upon them! and what a waste (especially that, believe me, divorces waste ten times more money sometimes!)

For us, at our daughter's wedding the photographer was the most expensive thing in our budget as he was very good & we hired him. Wonderful if you have friends who can take photos & save money. We did take "formal" photos BEFORE the ceremony as I mentioned (mostly as the groom has a HUGE family & they did want formal photos). My "family" is very small. We did have informal ones, too; for example, my helping my daughter get dressed & then the party afterwards & the departure of the couple & all that. We did meet w/the photographer beforehand & said which photos for sure we wanted him to get & since he was a professional he told us of some shots we wouldn't have even thought of so that was good. Also, we had both color & black & white photos taken. The black & white photos are gorgeous--like pieces of art. We DIDN'T have very many photos taken DURING the ceremony as I did not want the photographer being noticeable during an important & meaningful ceremony.

I have been to weddings where there are disposable cameras at each table for the guests to take photos so then you will get many more shots than if you only had a single photographer.

My dress cost $25.00 on sale!! Yes, you read that right! I found a wonderful dress on sale in a color that matched some expensive shoes I already had. It was a simple form-fitting (I was thin back then) sheath with a short jacket that had some "embroidery" type of detail on the jacket, but was very simple. The color & fit were perfect & to match my already one pair of "fancy dancy" shoes was great. My daughter got her wedding gown for $100.00. Again the style was simple & the lines were perfect for her as she is a tiny thing!!

At my own wedding, my husband & I lived in Alaska at the time & got married in San Francisco (which is where we are from originally). Since we had been away from Calif. for about 8 yrs. by the time we got married most of our friends were in Alaska & so like one of the previous posters I didn't want our wedding to be full of my father's business & personal friends so what I did was have a very SMALL WEDDING (with invitations sent to those who were really meaningful to me) My grand-father from New Zealand flew in without telling us! We didn't expect him to come all that way & by that time my mother {his daughter} had been deceased for 5 yrs).

So it was such a surprise to be walking down the aisle w/my father & there was my grandfather right on the aisle closest to me & the photographer got a photo of my seeing him for the first time as I was walking down the aisle. I stopped & hugged him & had such a happy boost to have a "little bit of my mother" there.

Funny story is that my grandfather takes a walk every evening (probably why he lived to a ripe age of late 80's) & he was at a hotel in San Francisco & decided to take a walk & ended up taking a stroll on the freeway & got arrested the night before the wedding!!!

So the actual ceremony was very small & then there was a huge party afterwards for all & sundry people (my father's friends, business people who actually "knew" me as he had company parties where all the family came throughout the yrs., but I didn't "know" them particularly & my father had a lady friend, too).

We've been married 36 yrs. (Well, on June 8th so hope I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch)!

My aunt (mother's sister made the dress for my sister who was my maid of honor & only person standing up for me; husband's brother stood up for him).

My husband & I actually love going to weddings; he even gets tears in his eyes as for us marriage has been the most incredible experience & raising our children together was such a joy. I had just turned 20 the month before & he was 21 when we got married though I looked about 14; no make-up & just used a curling iron on my hair as I never did learn to use make-up. Had my daughter at 22 & son at 25. My daughter didn't get married until she was 28 & our son is 31 & unmarried so I think we are very lucky that we have grown together & always considered our commitment to each other important (of course, he is a "saint" to put up w/me so I really lucked out).--Suzy

Suzy, that is really a wonderful story, and so heartwarming feeling to see you celebrate so many years of great marriage! Thank so much for sharing! I can feel what you must have felt discovering your grand-father.

Hadassah, I think the most important thing to determine at the start is your budget as that will determine most of the rest of what will happen. You can add and subtract decor, menus, activities, etc once that is in place. Also, if there are a few local hotels, get rates for those that need the info & let them fend for themselves-you will have a lot going on and should not stress yourself out over needing to be their all encompassing entertainment.

The menu- will you cook yourself or have it catered? Will you do a full meal or more of a grazing style with appetizers? Time of day for the celebration will determine type of food. what type of beverages? Cake? Disposables or china/glasses/flatware?

Location-your house, a hall to rent, the place of worship where the ceremony will be?

Do you want lots of people at the event or just the party?????You could do a select list for the event, make a general celebratory invite for the party, and do an insert for those invited to the event at temple.

Realize that when you send out invitations, you will generally know how many will attend, even though some are just sent out of courtesy. When I got married, we invited over 200 people-I knew that we would get between 140 and 150 in attendance and we had 142.

Always have some sort of back up ideas too. At my wedding, the photographer failed to show up at all. We got pictures from everyone! And my sister ended up taking most of the best photos, even though she hated him(my ex)!

I will share more details later but just wanted to offer a few of my thougts on the subject.

Beaglelady, I agree, budget is key in deciding in the first place.

I definitely opted out inviting anyone who is not local. My son wanted to invite several of his summer camp buddies and that was okay for me to call them to see beforehand if they would plan on attending anyway, because I would not be able to accomodate sleepovers, but wanted to honor his request, knowing that they would be happy to be invited anyway, even if not showing (I received several invitations myself, and one of the families had told us that they were capable of accomodating the out-of-State friends, but I would not do the driving anyway just for a party!)

In the case of the bar-mitzvah, for me personally, the most important part remains the worship: if people who are invited are willing to come and share the moment with us, the luncheon is just a way to thank them for having sat several hours for a religious service!

The luncheon will take place in the garden-room of the place of worship. It's pretty nice and can accomodate everyone, I count on having the younger members not wanting to sit at tables anyway, and lots of people being from the same town, they are likely to be happy to see others they know already.

I am a very poor cook (and I don't like the activity), so we will cater. A friend of mine wants to bring deserts herself.


Of course, teenagers have been greatly distracted nowadays by thinking that their bar-mitzvah is just the big party! I am an old-fashioned grumpy lady about it, and my son has to learn that this is how it is! I can understand that for a wedding, the couple who marry make their own choices, but for a 13 year-old youngster, it has to remain the parent(s) choices, I think too many youngsters are kings/queens of their families (I live in an affluent area of the country, I can't keep up with the Jones, and I won't).

I am starting to be concerned about my own attire. I looked into my closet, and my nice outfits date back to when I moved in the States... nearly twelve years ago! My feet would be screaming to go back into the nice little pair of shoes I have, because I have been walking with country comfortable sturdy shoes all those years, and there is nothing I hate more than having sore feet. So I'll have to go look for some nice ballerinas that I can "break" enough in advance! I hate clothes shopping, but I guess I'll have to make a little effort there!

OOPS--you can tell I wasn't a MATH MAJOR!! Only gone from Calif. for 4 years when we got married. We spent 4 yrs. in Alaska, then went off to another state where husband attended graduate school & I attended college part-time, worked full-time at a grocery store until we had our 1st child. Then I went back to work part-time. The grocery store was wonderful--keeping me on their ins. when they learned I had a premature baby while on vacation in Calif. & only asked when I & baby were ready that I would come back to work part-time as I was able. I had QUIT my job at the grocery store to have a couple months to get ready for baby! Oops--baby came within a couple weeks. The manager at the grocery store didn't have to do that & it helped us so much! We owed the hospital a lot of money from what the insurance didn't cover (80% coverage is great, but in the Pediatric ICU the bill goes up quickly). She was in the hospital for about 6 weeks. We tease our daughter that we didn't pay her off until she was 5 years old! Which was true. The hospital allowed us to pay like 50 bucks a month! I know many hospitals don't extend that kind of compassion anymore. You pay them off quick or they send you to a collection agency!--Suzy

I am starting to receive RSVPs. My deadline was June 1 so I am happy some people are taking the time to respond (you can tell those who are GON and those who are not, can't you? :-))

Some of the people I have invited, I also asked them to take part in the ceremony, so I would have expected all of those to quickly accept the honor, or decline, but it has not been the case for all of them. I wonder if I should assume they will accept eventually without calling their attention to it. I am afraid of hurting feelings all the time.

I would be embarrassed to have to ask people from my "replacement" list at the last minute, because of course they will realize then that they are "last-minute-call" for such...

What would you do?